No Place He'd Rather Be - Two-Shot
by Project-Marzanna
Summary: "If a year ago anyone told Todd Brotzman that he would be following a map and digging up buried treasure with an eccentric, auburn-haired, not-psychic-but-something, holistic detective he would have rolled his eyes and called their bluff."
1. No Place He'd Rather Be - Todd POV

_Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency has taken over my life and also my writing recently so I hope I'm doing my boys justice. I've also rewatched "Very Erectus" and the whole season too much in that pst month and have a lot of feelings because of it hence the fic._

* * *

If a year ago anyone told Todd Brotzman that he would be following a map and digging up buried treasure with an eccentric, auburn-haired, not-psychic-but-something, holistic detective he would have rolled his eyes and called their bluff.

Yet here he was, driving a mud-stained and bullet-hole covered Jeep, leaving the bodies of two dead cultists behind in the aftermath of a black cat induced shark explosion, and transporting an energy device made out of pieces dug up using a dead man's treasure map.

It's certainly not what Todd expected out of life, but neither was the blue leather jacket-wearing, pink bandage-covered mess of a man beside him, who turned his world upside down and changed it for the better, as much as he hated to admit. He didn't think that when the zany and annoying yet strangely endearing man broke into his apartment, wearing an absurd ensemble with a yellow leather jacket, that that same man would ever become his closest friend.

Dirk was eccentric, obnoxious, utterly confusing, spontaneous and everything Todd wouldn't want in a companion and on the other hand, why would a man like that ever befriend a human disaster, compulsive liar, and complete and utter asshole like himself? It's not like anyone else wanted to.

* * *

Even before he became estranged from his family, Todd never really got along with the rest of the Brotzman clan, outside of Amanda. He wasn't concerned with the good of the family, it was all about himself, his band, and his music.

It's not that Todd was a bad kid, he was just a little more rebellious than his family had wanted for him, which attracted him to the wrong crowd of people. The people he hung out with at band practice after taking some shots in his teens weren't really his friends and he felt disconnected from them. They spent time together and yet Todd felt like an outcast in his own group, but he tried to force his way in. That cost him big time.

* * *

Todd didn't want to get a job after high school or even go to college. He wanted to focus on the one thing that seemed to give his life any meaning: his music and The Mexican Funeral. He enrolled in college, but didn't go to class.

Failing out of school would have been a disappointment to his family if they ever found out, but he thought it'd all be okay if he made it big with his band. To drop out of school, get an apartment and the funds to live off as he funded his artistic endeavors, he lied to his own flesh and blood and faked a disease plaguing their ancestors and descendants.

Pararibulitis was no laughing matter for the Brotzmans and having felt his own heart sink when he witnessed his Aunt Ester having bad days, he knew that this was a fool proof way to get money for expensive medications. In doing that, his family slowly lost money and became destitute, due to his hypothetical medication money which went towards new guitar strings and rent, but that money wasn't enough.

* * *

Rent and paying taxes are two constants in life and as the economy does down prices go up - prices an unemployed, starving artist couldn't afford. He couldn't ask his family for more misent because they thought it was going to his meds and the only things of value he had was the music gear. It wasn't as if Mexican Funeral was talented or could make it big, so he took it upon himself to break the band for some cash to pay rent and work on his solo career.

Todd proceeded to lie to his band, the one group of people that he still hadn't estranged from him, yet were still total strangers. He stole their band equipment, sold it to make a quick buck, and lied to the band. He told them the equipment was stolen, filed it with the police, claimed his parents hated them and then broke up the band. It wasn't far off anyway, considering they were only still together for the off chance an agent would surprise them at one of their far-from-sold-out gigs.

He then lied to his parents, told them he couldn't play with the band because he was sick, hopeless, and the band was trying to screw him over due to his handicap, and that was that. Mexican Funeral was done for and Todd had managed to lie his way into a few more months of time to focus on himself and him music. Then he heard about Amanda.

* * *

Amanda and Todd were close siblings growing up, but lost a lot of contact when Todd became plagued with his so-called disease. However, the two siblings deeply cared for each other through it all, which was only strengthened when his sister, a young and beautiful wild child, had her first attack. His sister showed signs of the disease, which he was lying about, and expressed them, and the horror of seeing her go through it caused him to turn his life around, somewhat.

His focus did a 180 as it went from his music to his sister, his flesh and blood. He told his family he wasn't sick anymore, but by the time they had to pay for Amanda's medication, they had nothing to spare, they were broke.

He then gave Amanda every extra penny he had of his low income, went through a slew of odd jobs, and did everything in his power to make right what he had made irreparably wrong. He spent every second of his spare time at his sister's place to give her compassion, help her with simple tasks like washing dishes that she couldn't perform without getting frostbite, and the encouragement that she would get better. His words were empty because they were all lies, but no one knew any better and if it brought a smile to the face of his sister, which constantly was struck in fear, so it was worth it.

* * *

Todd lied to everyone in his life and each person knew a completely different truth. Due to this fact, nobody knew who the real Todd Brotzman was. Was he a struggling artist trying to make ends meet in a horrible punk band or was he a depressing charity case with a chronic illness trying to get by? Todd was a mystery and didn't know how to solve it himself. His life was a lie and all his guilt built up each and every day, and it got to him.

It was no wonder he had no friends when he screwed the closest people to him over and then spent the rest of his days wallowing in self-hate and trying to get through the day to support the one and only thing he had left to live for, Amanda. It was no wonder Todd was an outcast and was completely and utterly alone, and Todd knew that. His mistakes made him the asshole he was, one who was unattractive and repulsive to everyone and everything he met.

Who would want to be around someone so devoid of life, unhappy with their existence and pointedly cynical whenever he had the energy to live. Todd was a train wreck that was both waiting to happen and already had and he knew he deserved to be alone. Then why did Dirk stay?

* * *

Dirk who was a waking ball of sunshine and eternal optimism was staying along for the ride with the farthest thing from his personality. Dirk who insinuated himself into Todd's life to make him a better person using his adventurous spirit and his contagiously charming disposition. Dirk who was boyishly handsome and endlessly brave, which more likely than not was because he had no idea what danger he was headed for most of the time, had decided to stay with him, Todd Brotzman, grade-A asshole.

He was a man who screwed over anyone and everyone who came in his path, who had way too many metaphorical skeletons in the closet, and whose apathy and disdain for living each day made him the farthest thing from an enjoyable person to be around. He was a man with no purpose, no achievements, and no prospects, whose only notable achievements were being a lying asshole, an unemployed former bellhop and the guitarist in the failed punk rock band that he broke up out of selfishness.

He was a coward and a liar who hid from the world and allowed his lies to build up until they consumed him because that was less horrifying than people realizing the truth. He was a man whose self-loathing ran so deep in his veins that it was internalized and whose love for his sister was the only thing that stopped him from disposing of the man he hated.

He was a man that didn't deserve the overly caring companion he got, the companion that clung to him like a dog starved of attention, the companion who enthusiastically supported with undeserved compliments and enthusiasm every moment he could. He didn't deserve Dirk Gently in his life and he honestly didn't see what Dirk could possibly see in the broken man sitting next to him.

But Dirk saw something and whatever that was compelled the universe to push the young psychic through his window the day his life changed, the day of Patrick Spring's murder at the Perryman Grand.

* * *

The whole day was vivid, and increasingly so, especially after having received the tank top the auburn-haired man gave him which triggered flashbacks. None more intrusive than the moment he saw himself, in the tank top that was currently clinging to his body under a bloodstained luxury coat. But the moment that the man sitting next to him, who was currently gazing out the window with a boyish grin and the air of an energetic and excited child, fell through his window and karate-chopped his way into his life, his life changed.

He didn't notice it then, as he was too busy trying to ward off his invader, who clearly had no idea how to attack him. Who wouldn't be dumbfounded as a man in the yellow jacket and abhorrent fashion sense rambles on about the supposed mundane life, boring sex life, and bizarre occurrences in the monotonous life of a zombie like bellhop.

He remembered the glimmer in the man's piercing blue eyes when realization dawned on him and he declared that the befuddled bellhop was the new assistant to the detective in front of him, other wise know as Dirk Gently. He threw the strange man out of his apartment with his bag, hoping to never see him again, but the universe had plans and after the events of the past few days he realizes how thankful he is that the universe did.

* * *

Dirk, whether he liked it or not, was a positive influence on his life for a number of reasons, and Dirk gave him purpose and companionship when everything else seemed to go up, literally and figuratively, in flames. He was shocked at how easy it was to talk to a man who was so utterly confusing, and how a man who had no idea what he was doing most of the time, would be the one to help him most of all.

In a matter of days, he had told Dirk secrets that nobody else in his life was even aware of and he had ventured farther outside his home than he had been in years. This man was helping him get out of the metaphorical rut he was in and made him want to become a better and more honest person for his friend's sake and for his sister's.

It was the first time in his life someone was calling him out for his excuses and holding him accountable for changing his behavior, and it was something that the other man made so easy to accept. With a couple of his antics, the detective could completely turn his mood and work ethnic around, and he found himself falling into the detective's traps into doing so consistently, but not altogether unwillingly.

A year ago he would have blown the person off for telling him to change how he lived his life, but both Dirk's disappointment in his shortcomings and faith in him as a person, made him feel horrible to hurt the man's feelings. It was painful to see the man next to him look like a kicked puppy and it was worthwhile to see him smile - not the usual smiles he radiates all the time, but the kind of rare and truly genuine smiles that he receives from the broken, but seemingly eternal optimist when he lets his guard down.

The Dirk he was faced with in the forest was very much a different Dirk than the one who broke into his apartment. Their trip helped them get closer, not only to solving the case but also as people, as friends, as partners. He saw the vulnerable man who the world spoke to, but also left completely deserted. He saw the man behind the facade who like Atlas, held the world on his shoulders alone, but never failed to make the most of and make light of his predicament.

He saw the man who was a victim to his powers as opposed to being blessed by them, and the man so broken from spending so many years alone without any companionship, that he didn't realize what a friendship actually was when it stared him right in the face. He wanted to know more about that Dirk, the insecure mess of a man who he wanted to change for.

* * *

He couldn't help but admiring Dirk in everything he did and was frustrated that the man was growing on him. He swore after all the trouble the detective put him through at the start that they'd never become close, that he wouldn't be the man's Watson, yet here he was. Every time he tried to separate himself from Dirk, he found himself getting more wrapped up in the case and in the other man's life, for better or for worse.

He certainly hadn't expected that he would find the man's loud fashion sense or spontaneous behavior endearing. He never thought that a couple of puppy-dog eyes, eyebrow raises, smiles, challenges, and smirks could get him to anything for the man next to him. He hates that he's finding the detective charming and caring and to a fault and that listening to his incoherent, heavily-accented rants were slowly becoming less annoying and more enjoyable.

It killed him that he was getting attached, too closely and too quickly. It was completely unlike him to feel this way, but then again Dirk brought out a completely different side of him that he either didn't know about or forgot its existence. He would deny it to Dirk, Farah and Amanda to save face and seem like he was annoyed with the detective most of the time, and he was, but it was becoming a welcome and endearing annoyance, opposed to what it once was.

Dirk had embraced him into his life with both arms and while it was taking some extra time, he could see the feelings becoming reciprocal, no matter how hard he tried to fight them.

* * *

He didn't know what Dirk saw in him, but he was willing to wait around and find out through hell or high water; and if a year from now anyone tells Todd Brotzman that he will be following a map and digging up buried treasure with an eccentric, auburn-haired, not-psychic-but-something, holistic detective, he would tell them there was no place he'd rather be.

* * *

 _Thanks so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed it! I plan on doing more writing too so any love, inspiration and criticsm is always welcomed. Thanks loves!_


	2. No Place He'd Rather Be - Dirk POV

_Thanks to everyone who read the first half of this piece, it means the world to me! I hope that the second part lives up to your expectations and to the character of Dirk_

* * *

If a year ago anyone told Dirk Gently that he would be digging up clues and solving a mystery with an amazing, brown-haired, combination assistant and best friend, he would have laughed to himself, with a mixture of hopefulness and disbelief, because in his heart he knew that could never happen and causality psychics are meant to be alone.

Yet here he was, in the passenger seat of an awfully dirty and war-torn red Jeep, covered in bright pink bandages applied by his assis-friend, gazing out into a forest where he found his case's fluffy yet fierce murder weapon and a mystery machine left by the murder victim.

It's certainly not what Dirk expected out of life, but neither was the apathetic yet caring, grumpy yet brilliant mess of a man beside him who the universe led him to, so Todd could flip his world around and change it for the better. He didn't think that when the future version of himself introduced that ruggedly handsome man, donning a coat made of yak and an American flag tank top, as his first and best friend that it would ever come true, and why should it?

* * *

Even before he lost his parents, his peers always thought he was a little off and avoided him and his hunches. This forced him into a lonely childhood, only with the comforts of his parents to console him. But then things changed and ever since he was orphaned as a young boy, Svlad was alone and was always destined to be.

When he was brought to the States from his Romanian home by Colonel Riggins, he thought that things were going to turn up for the better. He was going to have a new father figure, and some new friends, but that wasn't the case.

* * *

In the cold and lonely cells of the CIA facility, he found neither friends nor father figures. He only found doctors and soldiers there to probe his brain and give him tests, so many tests. When he joined the program they told him he was special, but he soon realized that the testing was to determine why. They stripped him of his name, his dignity and his humanity and turned him into a lab rat, a project: Project Icarus.

Projects don't get friends or visits. They get blandly painted walls, uncomfortable cots, uniforms and neglect. The only human interaction he got was being tested on with drugs or probed with machines to figure out the meaning behind his psychic hunches. The occasional nurse or doctor was kind and treated him well, but the majority treated him like he was worthless, and in that facility, despite being surrounded by other anomalies and other people, he was alone.

* * *

When he escaped the clutches of the CIA, he created a persona that with each passing day became closer to reality. He changed his name from Svlad Cjelli, a name he barely remembered and connected with after all those years, to Dirk Gently, a name with a Scottish dagger feel to it. He traded his bland CIA uniforms for bright colored leather jackets and a newfound bold fashion sense.

He then took up the helm of Holistic Detective and solved a bit about a sofa and met the the Norse god Thor, who wasn't as ruggedly handsome as expected, much to Dirk's disappointment. He met some brilliant people along the way, people he thought he'd be companions with forever, people he thought he would share a flat with and shoot the breeze after solving a case, people who could be his friends. But those people left, they all left. But not Todd.

* * *

Todd who was fiercely protective of those close to him and would gladly take a bullet to save a friend. Todd who despite all of his negative self-talk, wasn't an asshole and was in fact an incredibly good man if he could get it through his thick head. Todd who didn't know how brave he was, who didn't know how smart he was, and didn't know how unbelievably handsome he was - much more so than Thor.

Todd who saved Dirk's life on multiple occasions and helped add invaluable material to the investigation he never wanted to be a part of. Todd who secretly had a yearning for adventure and a purpose hidden under the facade that Dirk tried to coax him out of.

Todd who was the first person who actually stayed around and helped him despite the bizarre states of chaos and disaster that Dirk was always surrounded with and who was his first and only friend, wanted to stay with him, Dirk Gently, the ultimate orphan. It was a mystery in itself why that would be.

He was a man who didn't have a place in the universe that he was constantly led around by. He was a victim to the one thing that made him a special person, who was actually wanted by and meant anything to the world. He was a man who tried to use his gift for good and for helping others, but always ended up pushing them away and ending up utterly and completely alone. He was a man who didn't know what it meant to have a friend, let alone anyone, to have his back and care for him and his well being because nobody would stick around long enough to let him know.

He was a man who burst into people's lives, destroyed their homes and flipped their lives upside down and insinuated himself into stories and situations that he should have no part in. He was a broken man struggling with a crisis of identity as the names Svlad, Icarus and Dirk spin through his head and come back to haunt him.

He was an obnoxious anomaly that nobody wanted to be around and who people deserted the second they could, and he couldn't help it. He was a man without a misguided sense of purpose, an absence of family, and only one friend who was likely to desert him like all the others did.

He was a man that didn't deserve the assis-friend he got, the companion that followed him around and kept him out of trouble, the best he could. He didn't deserve the same companion who, despite ruining his home, reputation with the law and life in a matter of minutes, stuck with him through his shortcomings and through his successes and through his hunches.

He didn't deserve Todd Brotzman in his life and had no idea what Todd saw in the freak of nature in the passenger seat beside him, who couldn't even properly drive a car or put together a machine, let alone solve a mystery or keep a friend around.

* * *

But Todd saw something in him and whatever that was had caused the universe to connect him and Todd with Patrick Spring's case more and more with each passing second. The universe always brought him where he needed to go and that was the run down Ridgely building the fateful night that he swiped the murderous kitten-shark and broke into the apartment of the man his future self claimed to be his best friend.

As he made the trek to the building he kept questioning his future self's judgement, but when he met the man next to him, who he caught in a rare moment of contently driving their dirty Jeep whole wearing a small, sad smile on his face, opened the door to his shabby apartment and tried to beat him up for being a housebreaker, Dirk's life would never be the same.

He didn't immediately know Todd would be important, as he was obviously too busy trying to defend himself from the man trying to take him down. But when the man stopped and Dirk got closer to him, all became clear. The universe had brought him to a man in a state of utter hopelessness, as it always did, who from the looks of it had a mundane life, boring sex, and was clearly struck by a set of bizarre occurrences within the past twenty four hours.

His eyes light up as he's overcome with realization, makes eye contact with the pair of blue eyes confoundedly looking at him, and declares that the pitiful bellhop in front of him is his new assistant. It came as a surprise the man threw him out of the apartment, but the universe wanted to bring the two of them together and helped Dirk insinuate himself into Todd's life, and he is so thankful that the universe did.

* * *

Todd, just as the future version of himself claimed, was Dirk's best friend, which was one of the most affirming experiences of his life. Despite not knowing each other for long, Todd's companionship was slowly becoming the one rock in his life, when everything else was a utterly confusing mess of hunches, coincidences and clues that he didn't understand most of the time. He was surprised at how easy it was to get along with and talk with Todd and anyone who looked at them would think they were friends since birth or an old-married couple.

Todd made his life easier and made his life better in ways he never could have imagined and working with Todd made him a better detective. Todd himself was a fairly good investigator with amazing skills and insights which let the detective work on and make progress in a case that wouldn't be possible without his help. He had no idea how a man who was so lost in life and felt that he had no real sense of purpose, would be the man who gave his life a strong sense of place, home and purpose.

In a matter of days, he had told Todd more things about his life and his not-psychic but something abilities that made him an anomaly in this world with no place to go, than he had told anyone else before. He had a number of first time heavy-hitting conversations with Todd and they built a strong bond of mutual trust, care and understanding which was a first for the detective.

The man was helping him make the real connectons and human relationships he had been deprived throughout the course of his life due to death, forced isolation or his own doing. Todd made him want to be a better person and friend for the sake of helping his him through his rut, so he could express his care for Todd and give back for everything the he had done for the socially inept detective sitting beside him.

A year ago he would have he would have never been able to understand or care for another person's feelings and well-being, but witnessing Todd's struggles made him want to step up to the task and help the man and the friend beside him. It broke his heart to see the man next to him look and feel like a kicked puppy, feel like he was worthless and feel like he was an asshole. In those moments he wanted to do anything to hear the man's amused and resigned sarcasm or be on the receiving end of a very rare and genuine smile from his assistant, which only happened once in a blue moon due to the man's deep depression and self-loathing.

It was the first time in his life that he could not only let loose around other people but also have serious and heartfelt conversations with them. Having this unspoken and always strengthening bond with Todd allowed them to trust and listen to the other, even when one of them had no idea what was going on, for the good of the case and for each other.

Todd was also easy to read at times and a complete enigma at others, but at the times he was easily manipulated, Todd was amazingly fun to challenge and encourage through his smirks, smiles and acting abilities. He never was able to actually get people to listen to him and respect his authority or opinions, let alone follow almost all his directions and actions faithfully, and not altogether unwillingly.

The Todd he was faced with in the forest was very much a different Todd than the one whose apartment he had broken into. Their treasure hunt had succeeded in bringing them to closer, not only to solving his first big mystery, but also as people, as friends, as partners. He got to see beyond the mask of grumpiness and apathy and got to see into the man's tortured soul, which broke the detective's heart. He saw the man who despite giving the world to his sister, felt like that he had done absolutely nothing, due to a major mistake in his past that was holding him back from unlocking the true potential within.

He saw the man who was a victim of circumstance, misfortune and his past, and the man so self-loathing after years of living a lie, that he didn't see the amazingly talented and good man within him, even though partner constantly complimented and praised him about the very fact. He saw the man who was just as intelligent, brave, and determined as he was, but would never admit it to himself because he was so self-deluded into thinking he was a cowardly asshole, opposed to the already fantastic man that he was proud to see changing into an even more honest one.

He saw the man who didn't need to apply each and every one of the pink bandages on the detective's face with such patience and care, but did anyway for the good of another person, because he was a selfless man who had learned from and started to desert his selfish past. He wanted to know more about that Todd, the broken and self-deluded man with a complicated past who he wanted to be a better man for to give Todd a brighter future.

* * *

He couldn't help but admiring Todd in everything he did and was frustrated that the other man was oblivious to his own achievements and strengths, as well as the care and sincerity in the detective's constant compliments. Todd had so much potential in him and despite claiming he was not his Watson, he was in every way.

The man didn't see how integral he was in helping him through and even saving his life on numerous occasions like when they were faced with an electric ghost-rhino. Todd was his other half when it came to solving crimes, and hopefully in life, but he knew that thinking that way was a recipe for disaster, but here he was, letting himself get closer with the man beside him by the minute.

It pained the detective because every time he tried to tell himself that he didn't need Todd, he found Todd caught up more and more in the Patrick Spring case and his life, for better and for worse. He wanted to desperately not get attached because he knew this sort of attachment to someone, let alone the burgeoning feelings he could only place as infatuation, would only spell heartbreak for him.

History repeated itself and despite being spoken to by the universe, it left him deserted and never gave its servant what he asked for. Todd became the closest person in the world to him in a short amount of time and he knew that the universe would take him somewhere else after the case and Todd wouldn't likely follow.

Now Todd followed his every move, but he couldn't imagine, after all that he had done to the man, why Todd would want to continue their friendship and partnership. He attracted people in situations of hopelessness and always ended up in elaborate traps of danger, so why would anyone stay with him for the long haul with that in mind.

Todd had enough on his plate already without the detective in his life and that's why it was wrong to get attached. Having these feelings and having them grow stronger only meant it would hurt more when the inevitable separation occurred, and he didn't know how he would be able to survive it when it happened.

It wasn't his fault though, he certainly hadn't expected that he would end up finding the man's disinterested yet determined attitude, his strength of character and love of family, so incredibly endearing. He never thought that a couple of smirks, glares, eye-rolls and the occasional rare smile would him want to do anything and everything the man next to him asked, or would encourage him to do the exact opposite.

He tells himself he's stupid for falling deeper and deeper for the man he sees changing in front of him, as a result of his own actions and advice. He couldn't believe that he was finding the man he met that day at the Ridgely to be one of the most caring, passionate and loyal men he had ever come across and that bickering with, talking with and complimenting Todd was slowly becoming his favorite activity on this Earth.

He hated that he has getting attached so quickly to Todd, but a part of him was thankful at the bottom of his heart for the fact. He wasn't allowed to have friends to have people in his life and to not be alone, but then again Todd seemed to be the exception to every rule in his life already, and what was another broken one? He wouldn't try to hide the fact that he was constantly either impressed with or enamored by his assistant, and had hoped the man was seeing what a positive influence on the detective's life he was, in the hopes he would stay.

He would try every minute they spent together to not let himself fall deeper into the man's trap and would try to tell himself to savor these moments because a voice in his head said they would be but distant memories soon. However, the closer he grew to Todd, especially after their trip, the more he allowed himself to turn off that voice and live in the moment with the man next to him, as opposed to live in the fear of the future where the man was gone.

Initially, he embraced his assis-friend into his life with both arms and Todd was initially very vehement against letting the detective into his. However, as time passed, it didn't take a holistic detective go see that their admiration, respect and care for one another was becoming reciprocal, and that the possibility of the two best friends splitting up after the case was closed was becoming less of a possibility, no matter how many times his brain and his intuitions said otherwise.

* * *

He didn't know why Todd decided to stay with him, but he was willing to wait around and find out, no matter where the universe takes him; and if a year from now anyone tells Dirk Gently that he would be digging up clues and solving a mystery with an amazing, brown-haired, combination assistant and best friend, he would tell them there was no place he'd rather be.

* * *

 _Thanks so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed it! I plan on doing more writing too so any love, inspiration and criti_ _csm is always welcomed. Thanks loves!_

 _Also, I was thinking of doing a version of this piece with Bart and Ken so if people are interested just let me know!_


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